Sunday, February 16, 2014

actually, free will?

in a storm of thoughts, a rather juvenile question came to mind, one that i have never considered before: can free will exist? if you believe that consciousness is all a matter of neurological processes, how is free will a relevant way to express the human experience? free will is not the opposite of fate, because that would imply fate exists. since free will carries implication of it's negation: unfree will, something pre-determined, i suggest we find a new term to explain the neurological function of decision making capabilities in humans.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

freedom, order and free will


freedom exists because there exists, within the constructs of societies, order. order may require, minimally, some conformity for the free willed as the free willed often make disorderly decisions.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

coping and the creative workspace


as i scramble to use every tool in my figurative emotional tool belt, i come across a familiar friend: my workspace. time to create something that will order the chaos. 

i have been reading and highlighting herman hesse's siddhartha. i hope to revisit buddhist texts after i finish with siddhartha. i have the strong desire to immerse myself in my kin and my friends who offer strength when i need to lend mine. i took out my very best headphones and have been riding the wave of auditory pleasantry when i can find it. i will meditate and exercise in preparation for the journey ahead. 

a mentor recently told me that siddhartha the inuits have a similar approach to achieving a goal. the inuit hunter is taught to clear his mind of mental obstacles, fear, doubt and worry and allow his prey to come to him. "like a stone sinking to the bottom of a deep pool… his thoughts commanded his desire to come to him," hesse wrote of siddhartha. 

we are all looking to escape the self and the suffering. some of us drink. and some of us use other drugs. those lend temporary escape from suffering. some of us follow teachers and philosophies that approach to truth but stop shy of the change, but provide more understanding than substance-induced escape. the truth, to hesse's siddhartha, was  an experience and not learned. 




Monday, December 9, 2013

black sabi, wham-ba-lam

my dog friend, sabi
when i got back from vacation a week ago, my four legged, poop eating, loyal, handsome, mountain goat like dog had broke his back. i took him to a vet and they gave me pain meds and a little glimmer of hope that he makes progress to a maintainable place for him to continue living. the first few days he made progress. he wheel barreled around the yard while we held on to his hips. he would let us know when he needed to eat, drink, pee, and when he needed attention. unfortunately, about day six post injury he took a sharp decline in quality of life. he squealed and howled in pain with nearly every movement. fuck.

so, i had to make the decision to end his life. it was the hardest decision i have ever made. 

here i am, clicking out some feelings and memories i have to try to ease my mind. i need to flood my head with happy memories to try to drown out the very fresh memories of his pain and suffering. he was my first baby. i am ill and heartbroken.



handsome boy
loving my dog

my college apartment was 107*

sabi with us on a 'walk for life'


sabi was an amazing hiker. when we would camp together, I would "walk" him by hopping on a motorized vehicle and having him run after me.

he never needed to be on a leash because he was such a faithful companion.

he had always been a smart dude. he would trick his dog siblings into going outside so he could bogart all the food.

he knew how to use angled mirrors to his favor.

he liked to watch television.

he could howl like a siren.

he once ate an entire basket of my sister's panties. haha.

sabi didn't like most dudes. especially ones i had any physical contact with. i took it as an important info when he liked or even didn't mind a dude.

he loved to lick skin.

he would find any crack or crevasse to hide in.

he liked to perch on the backs of couches.

sabi was an epic climbing dog. i took him in every cave, crack, boulder, mountain… on every camping trip… he was such an amazing companion.

he talked constantly. it was great and not so great.

sabi had no problem getting along with other dogs. as long as they didn't try to cross the threshold of my bedroom.

we neutered him when he was 10.

i will never forget the sound of him licking his nuts. constantly. nom nom nom.

…or the sound of him settling: a groan, a chops lick, the sound of the closet doors buckling against his weight.

the way he nosed his food; most times right out of his bowl!

the build up of snow on his paws when we hiked through snow.

sabi's undying love for all things me, so much so that he had to ingest my pants and panties!

the look of love in his eyes as i pet him.

this is a work in progress and i hope i will keep adding memories of him. 

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

my body was a cage

is it only the season change?  i feel connected with my half side. i have a community of well intended spirits who love me and accept me. i am entirely, overwhelmingly in love with the littles. i feel content with uncertainty. knowing i know little or nothing is fine with me. i feel less skeptical and that i want to try different things to continue to become a happier, better person. my luck is great as i am feeling better  physically most of the time. i don't require the aid of medicine to get on with my days.

Click here to listen to a snippet of my cover of My Body is a Cage by Arcade Fire. This song sums up how I felt over the last few months.

i am in a place today where i am almost thankful for my ailments. it has brought me new insight into life and living and perspective for what there is to be grateful for. my ailments have aided me in seeking understanding through outlets i never considered before. i hope to one day be grateful for the incident, to be completely healed and to hold on to the new perspective.


Friday, September 27, 2013

control

you can only control how you feel about things; not how things will go or how other people will behave. the key to your own contentment is within yourself. that's all the control you have and need.